snakeeatery:

i love the pedestrian-to-car staredown when you see them go from a rolling stop to a full stop. like that’s what the fuck i thought. vehicularly manslaughter me about it

(via pt90)

the biggest lie i ever told & how my husband came to protect it

rue-by-another-name:

for years i have lived this lie telling everyone i am allergic to peanuts because i hate the smell of peanut butter and it makes me gag and makes my throat feel gross after eating it and so i don’t really like peanut butter that much but whenever i used to tell people i don’t like peanut butter they’d get all defensive like “peanut butter is amazing how do you not like it?!” and then i’d have to go into this whole thing to defend my taste buds.

but then i got tired of it and started telling people that i’m just allergic to peanuts because that way it’s not my fault that i hate the smell of peanut butter - it’s now like i’m a sad little baby who will never get to taste peanut butter ever in her life and everyone feels sad for me.

but the problem is that i really love peanut m&ms and so now i can only eat peanut m&ms when i’m at home in secret. the only person who knows my lie is my husband. and so at work this evening we had a small celebration for someone and they had peanut m&ms and i really wanted some but obviously couldn’t eat them in public because then people would know my peanut secret. 

and so when we got home after work my husband tipped his jacket over and emptied his pockets and at least thirty or so peanut m&ms fell out of his pockets and he whispered, “i was sneakily accumulating them all night for you because i could see the pain in your eyes.”

and if that isn’t love then i don’t know what is. 

(via mrsometimes)

huffylemon:

(via socialdisaster)

tytoalbion:

tytoalbion:

Girls…are like strawberries

Sometimes they are in the grocery store

(via renious)

foxfolktalks:

actually i deserve to have glowing yellow eyes and teeth a little sharper than normal. i earned it

(via renious)

unclefather:

(via narutani)

lucidnee:

mcqwueen:

lucidnee:

if I die please don’t let my mom bury me with a ugly wig. Please let her know 28 inches of Brazilian wavy with a silk lace closure is what I wanted. Thank you.

28 inches and a silk lace closure? ima rob your grave.

I’d deadass come back to life like Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen and fight you like I was number 1

(via renious)